I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
this will be a night to untag.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
