If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
