I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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