You can't special order awesome
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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