mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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