Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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