can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize