I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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