ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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