I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
