Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
