Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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