and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
