Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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