somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
