He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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