I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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