I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
