i think i have two assholes
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You are the jesus of drinking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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