he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
