Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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