I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
where am i from again
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
