So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
