My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
