Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
