SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize