There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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