she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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