i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
porn star boner night. come get it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
