yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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