Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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