plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize