after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
