I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
