He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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