In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
