Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
