1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
