I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
