your parents love me but you hate me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
