i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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