The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I didn't notice because vodka
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
