i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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