I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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