Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize