I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
