I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
