I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
