I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
