I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
