Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
