I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
