My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
