my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
